Why London Ontario Sucks (1)

Not only is this one of the worst places to see the economic downturn in all of Canada, but there are many other geographical, social, and political problems facing this c*** of a city that truly prove my point that, without a doubt, London Ontario Sucks Balls!

First of all, what the hell is with the people living here? One could easily suspect that all the babies here have some dead, stinky rodent shoved up their rears by the doctors the moment of their births. Unfortunately, this is not where it all starts. That would be too easy. I, myself was born in Scarborough, and somehow I seem to have the same problem as all other citizens of this stupid town: we think we're better than everyone else. No, not collectively, but individually. I have no idea why that is, but it seems within a year or two of living in this hellhole, people turn into total @ssholes. I know what you're thinking, you think I'm lying because you live here and don't think you've been affected by this disease. Well, there is another sickness, one that doesn't quite affect everyone here, but lots of them. It is called stupidity, and you have that too. At least I can admit to my problems. You can't even recognize yours.

What also makes no sense about this is that everyone you meet is basically the same friggin person! It seems all the nice people are students from out of town, while anyone else who isn't seemingly stuck up is just trying to get something from you. The dudes all just wanna fight, they're way too aggressive for anyone to wanna be around them. That is why the idiots all hang out together and try and start fights wherever they go. The girls, on the other hand, seem to have minds that work ssimilar to my dog's. Show him something he's not supposed to have and he'll pick it up and bark at you until you chase him. That is exactly what the females do at the bars here. Just last night my buddy had his tie stolen from some overweight punk chick, and she decided if she was gonna give it back she was gonna destroy it first. Typical animal behaviour. What a 6itch.

You recognize the out-of-towners right away. That, my friends, is just ridiculous. 90% of the people here are 50cent imitators, and instantly threatened by anyone who isn't. There is a serious social problem here, and from what I've heard, everywhere else in this part of Ontario. It needs to be fixed, but we seem to be moving in the opposite direction. In part two we will examine why exactly that is.

I NEED A BAND Projects Launching

Yes, I am launching two band projects immediately. I'm a guitarist of 10 years and it's about time I got them going. In fact, I'll even have a separate blog for it soon, hopefully with some webcasts in the near future.

The first project is a progressive rock outfit. I need:

Drummer

Bassist

Keyboard player

(possibly) female vocals, second guitar, violins.

The second one is a metal outfit. I need:

Drummer

Bassist

Rhythm Guitarist

(I have two vocalists already).

The only rules are that you have your own gear. I have demos for both projects available at www.myspace.com/seanbester so anyone can take a listen and figure out what they could bring to either group. The rock project has already taken on a life of its own, and I need musicians who are very in tune with esotericism. I want a very ochestral, yet technical feel to each of the tracks, so it falls heavily upon a keyboardist to make that happen.

Young And Useless In London Ontario

Need a job? It's no wonder in this current economic climate that so many of us students are left unemployed for the Summer, something that seems to happen to me every year, regardless of job availability. Yes, those brand spanking new degrees now seem like a waste of both our time and (parents') money. I was fortunate enough to find a web-based magazine writing job last month only to find out that it doesn't pay, so if you wanna know what an English degree will get ya... it looks something like this blog. Do you feel I'm contributing to society? Are you? When you aren't looking for a job, what exactly are you doing with your time?

Need some fun? Of course you do. You're a useless non-contributor to society sitting on the computer in your pajamas all day, drinking old ass coffee and pretending like you're looking through the classifieds for the thousandth time this month. But having no job, you probably have no money, and thus, fun isn't exactly in your price range. So now you settle for downloading a buttload of games, movies, television shows, music, porn, applications and software to fill that hole in your life you call a day. Speaking of holes...

Need a companion? You can't afford one. No one wants to be with an unemployed loser, and that is somehow what your life has become. In fact, the most intimate connection you've had with anyone in recent memory is wiping the crap from your dog's ass in the middle of the night so he/she doesn't scoot all over the carpets!

How about a good lay? No, not even for a one nighter. I mean, let's think about it step by step. First, you gotta get yourself out to a public place where you can meet someone. Then, if you're like me, you're gonna need to fill your testicles with some heavy liquid courage before approaching them. If you're stupid and NEVER want the person's respect, you''ll even buy them a drink. Then there's getting home that night, more transportation fees. Living with your parents, there's also the possibility of having to go to some run down motel. And oh, wait, did you remember to buy condoms? Of course not! You aren't getting laid! All in all, I estimate that you spent....... around the amount of two months' income at a McDix job. And the Liquor affected your performance. No, you need a realistic way to meet people.

Need a band? I sure as hell do. Ten years of playing guitar and a dedication to metal hasn't quite served me well in the London community. It doesn't help that even if I had one, I wouldn't have anywhere to play (R.I.P. Salt Lounge and The Wick). Yes, this city has truly outcasted the rockers and metalheads beyond recovery. So on top of everything, now there's no place to go and no way of meeting interesting people.

How about a new hobby? Yes! And I don't mean your newly developed passion for oversleeping. I'm thinking something that will eventually lead to getting paid, getting laid, or at least getting through the day with some sense of accomplishment. No, finding time to masturbate while your family members are away doesn't count as an accomplishment. It all comes down to what you're passionate about. Find the worth in your pathetic, useless, hopeless, and boring life.

Say what? Let's look at the basics. You're a jobless loser with nothing to do all day, nowhere to go and no one to see, nor do you have enough money for anyone else to actually give a damn.

But let's spin it all into a positive by examining everything once more.

So... You're well aware of worldly events and their impacts on local economies. You're also well educated and have enough free time on your hands to put your mind to good use. You may be alone for now, but only because you have a strong sense of the fundamental principles of finance, and are honest enough to admit that your chances weren't that good anyway. You pride youself first and foremostly as an individual, with a very distinct nature, and still somehow find the strength of will to contemplate your future ambitions. To end off, you are a master of the art of bullshit, and the world needs your fertilizer now more than ever.

My name is Sean, and this is my first real blog. Consider the above a sort of mission statement, or at least, a testament to the powers of boredom at 5:30 in the morning.